Now, who could argue with
that? It's this kind of epic adventuring gibberish that's triggered nearly every single quest since Man learned how to form words into sentences of Epic Adventuring Gibberish.
Inspired by your words, or your offer of alcohol, or perhaps motivated by that unseen force known only as Plot Pacing Imperative (PPI, otherwise known as Get The Fuck On With It), three prospective allies rise up to answer your Call to Adventure!
One is the elven woman what's-her-face who has somehow not been seen by anyone since entering the place! Is she invisible? Or is she just very good at NOT BEING SEEN? Either way, she now reveals herself to Starlong (No, not in
that way).
One is the mysterious hooded figure of Enigma, who beckons you all to join him at his table!
And one is an elderly gentleman, an NPC, who merely rose to go to the bathroom and has now been sucked into this
suicide mission Quest of Awesome that cannot possibly fail!
So. We appear to have a party of four. You seat yourselves at Enigma's table and try to avoid the glances and stares you are all getting from the other patrons of this fine establishment. Patrons who prefer peaceful boozing to emphatic declarations of high adventure. Now would be a time for introductions, for planning, and for pooling your resources.
[Character Creation Seminar]
Yes. There's a seminar.
Basically, you're going to pick a template for your character, a 'job' it's called, and this'll be the basis for your starting stats and abilities. You then pick two perks to go with the character. And for God's sake, Becks, name your goddamn character already!
Pick a Job:
Roguish Adventurer Fellow: Think Indiana Jones. Think how awesome that would be. If you had no trouble with either of these thinking exercises then you, sir, perhaps have a career as a Roguish Adventurer Fellow ahead of you. What-ho.
HP: 16
Atk: 3
Job Aptitude: Just Shoot ‘Em: Roll a dice at the beginning of every fight. If you get 18-20, then pick an enemy which you then just shoot. The enemy instantly dies. Done. Doesn’t work against Bosses, though…
Job Sucktitude: My Hat!: Your hat is your greatest weakness, as losing it will mean your complete loss of credibility as a Roguish Adventurer Fellow. After every event roll, roll a 20-die. If it's a 1-2, then you've LOST YOUR HAT. Your job template will switch to the
Wannabe job template. All stat boosts are carried over. But you've still lost your hat. WTF, man?
Special Ability: Action Hero: You’re a rough, tough adventurer where every mortal wound is a flesh wound, and every flesh wound goes by unnoticed. Recover 5HP. Can only be used once per fight.
Sneaky Bastard: There’s always one.
HP: 11
Atk: 3
Job Aptitude: Blend In: Enemies attack other characters rather than this character. Also comes in handy during certain events.
Job Sucktitude: You Trust Me, Right?: There is a distinct lack of…trust for this character. You only get one item slot.
Special Ability: Play Dead: Losing a fight? Then roll a 15-20 to pull off the Play Dead technique! Even if everyone else gets killed, and thus removed from the game, you yourself will at least live on to fight another day. If the dice-roll fails then you’ve wasted a turn (either way, if your colleagues survive the fight then you’ll have some explaining to do… :/ )
Marksman: Fancy shooting the enemy down from five miles away? Yeah, I thought so.
HP: 7
Atk: 5
Job Aptitude: Back Rank: This character will be attacked last by enemies.
Job Sucktitude: Ammo: After five attacks, you run out of ammo and have to use your gun as a bludgeon. Attack power falls to 2 and the Job Aptitude is disabled.
Special Ability: Bank Shot: Let luck decide. Roll a fourteen-sided dice. Whatever it lands on, that’s how much damage is caused. Off the rock, that passing bird, a tree, and Starlong’s face for the win! Bulls-eye! TOP SCORE. Can only be used once per fight.
Monk: A fist-flailing, chakra-harnessing, habit-wearing BADASS.
HP: 12
Atk: 4
Job Aptitude: Divine Intervention: This character can never suffer an EPIC FAIL. God loves these little fellows.
Job Sucktitude: Holy Dogma: The Monk cannot use First-Aid Kits or Serums; something about subverting the will of God or whatever.
Special Ability: Foot of Justice: Yup. It’s the big one. Roll a denominator of 5 to unleash the JUSTICE. Causes 20Dmg BUT…it can only be used on enemies lacking in JUSTICE; on anything else, it causes just 6Dmg. Those enemies eligible for the full ass-whooping will be marked as ‘Unjust’ in their stats.
Farmer: By the Power of Pitchfork, you're a denizen of the Earth with sunburn and a serious hatred for foxes, moles, and other vermin. Remember the exploits of Farmer Tidus; God of Farmers!
HP: 17
Atk: 2
Job Aptitude: Grit: Character always has 1HP left after being hit, no matter how badly. Doesn't work if the character already has only 1HP left (otherwise he;d be invincible. Plausible, being a Farmer, but not in this game).
Job Sucktitude: I Must Farm: If you pass any farmland or vegetables then this character will stop to do his God-given task of farming the hell out of soil. Player must roll an even number to break away.
Special Ability: Dragoon Leap: Imagine a farmer leaping ten feet into the air and then spearing an enemy with his pitchfork. All farmers can do it you know. Why do you think peasant revolts always work? Causes 10Dmg, but requires 4HP to use and must have a pitchfork equipped.
I Am Ironman: No, not really. You're just someone in a suit crafted guilessly from tin cans, bin lids, a bucket, chicken wire, and lots of gaffa tape. Being a massively dedicated cosplayer, you will remain in robot character at all times except meal times (and, presumably, during 'Waste-Disposal' mode). Origato, Mr. Roboto.
HP: 10
Atk: 2
Job Aptitude: Tin Knight: All damage received is halved for this character.
Job Sucktitude: Heavy Feet: In swamps, water, sand, or any other soft surface the character runs the risk of sinking. Prompted rolls of a dice will be required to traverse tricky terrain, if your 'allies' decide to head through places your not 'built' for.
Special Ability: Reboot: Killed? Of course not! Robots dont die, they get repaired! Roll a dice. If it's even, then you rise again. If it's odd, you're going to the scrapheap.
Biologist: When nefarious beasties and mutated monstrosities are bearing down on you then the man or gal you call better be one of these; a goddamn SCIENTIST.
HP: 8
Atk: 3
Job Aptitude: I Have A
Pokedex Bestiary: All enemies cause one less damage if you have a biologist with you, and everyone (except the biologist) causes +1Dmg. A Teamplayer, this one.
Job Sucktitude: Crisis of Conscience: Yeah, it happens to the best of them. One minute they're making steam engines that run on live horses, the next they're jabbering about ethics and other inconvenient things before 'redeeming' themselves by taking a taste of their own medicine. When specially prompted, roll a 20-die. If it's 1-5 then it's bye-bye Biologist, hello Martyrdom.
Special Move: Bio-Bomb; Roll a dice. If it’s even, then all enemies take 10Dmg, if it’s odd then all party members take 2Dmg. Whoops. Didn’t factor in that backwind, there. Ah, well. It’s okay because you are a SCIENTIST.
Carpenter: Sadly, you're not that certain carpenter with the Miracle-Gro supply of applied Phlebotonium at his finger-tips but you'd be useful all the same. Carpenters have an eye for woodwork and can build or repair wooden contraptions and structures. Got wood? Get Carpenter. Or a therapist. Oh, and just realised that 'Therapist' spells 'The Rapist'. Now you've seen it, YOU CANNOT UNSEE IT!
HP: 9
Atk: 2
Job Aptitude: I Build Shit: The character can repair or create wooden contraptions at certain points. It'll certainly come in handy. Honest.
Job Sucktitude: None.
Special Ability: Hammer-Time: Roll a 20-side. If it's even, all enemies are frozen motionless for two turns. If it's odd, then your party are the one's who 'stop'.
Hobo: You may not have shoes, but that has just made you stronger. A life of hardship and bad hygiene has turned this character into a flea-ridden powerhouse of immunities and stoic toughness.
HP: 30
Atk: 1
Job Aptitude: I Eat Rats: No poison or malady will ever, EVER affect this character. Ever.
Job Sucktitude: Spare Change?: Expect your money to go mysteriously missing over the course of this adventure...any events or decisions requiring money will be automatically failed or made inaccesible.
Special Ability: Bum's Rush: Spend a set amount of HP to cause that damage total to the enemy. Must roll an even number on a twenty-side to succeed.
Aromatherapist: Is there a doctor in the house? A medic? A white-mage even!? No! But there
is an aromatherapist! Bask in the many varied scents made available by this nasal practitioner of saintly smells.
HP: 7
Atk: 1
Job Aptitude: Calming Fragrance: Enemies attack this character last. Just as well.
Job Sucktitude: Follow the Smell: Enemies can smell you a mile away when you have an aromatherapist in tow. Prepare for max battles.
Special Ability: Essence of Chillax: Can be used twice per fight. All characters have their HP fully restored.
Pro Wrestler: Yup. You heard. At one point this character was an active wrestler and can still pull off those stunningly technical moves. A requisite of this job is that you trash-talk the dice every time before you roll it. "I'm gonna give YOU a rollin', that you ain't NEVER gonna forget!"
HP: 20
Atk: 2
Job Aptitude: Intimidating Presence: All enemies always attack you. Suck it up!
Job Sucktitude: See Above. It's a bit of a double-edged sword, that Intimidating Presence.
Special Ability: Wrestler Arts: Costs 2HP to use. This one depends on what you roll. 1-5 and you execute a Dropkick, causing 3Dmg. 5-10 and you use a Rattlesnake Chokehold that causes 4Dmg. An 11-15 is a Suplex of Sanctimony which causes 5Dmg, while a 16-19 triggers a Full Nelson Dynamo for 6Dmg. But if you roll lucky 20, then it’s the El Molesto Legendary Finisher, which instantly kills one enemy. Saucy.
Citizen Suck: The GM hates you. Epically. Every damn fibre of my being will be bent to seeing you end up in a spike-laden pit having fallen fifty feet and broken every damn bone in your skewered body and now have poisonous cockroaches nibbling on your neurotoxin-filled eyes. Pass
that physical check, if you can.
You, sir, will be fucked from start to finish. This one's for a
challenge.
HP: 100 (You'll need it and then some)
Atk: 5
Job Aptitude: There isn't one.
Job Sucktitude: Why Me?: The character cannot enjoy SUCCESS or SUCCESS OF ETERNAL LASER-AWESOME outcomes. Also, subtract three from every dice-roll. No stat boosts for you, either.
Special Ability: Plead: At any time you can choose to appeal to the GM's good side and be exempted from the ass-kickery that befalls you. To do this, you must roll a 20. On a seven-sided dice.
***
Now that you’ve picked a template, its time to pick two more generalised aptitudes, called ‘perks’. The effects of these will help in fights (Dan McGraw Fists) or will allow the character to pull off a unique event option, or eliminate bad outcomes from a normal event. If it doesn’t affect a stat, then it’s probably for an event.
-)
Fists of Dan McGraw: +1 Atk
-)
GSC (Gold Swimming Certificate): Character is a strong swimmer.
-)
Survivalist: You have a knack for survival; all damage taken from bad event outcomes is negated (no HP damage, no stat penalties, etc).
-)
Grey Finger: Character is good with engines, locks, machinery, etc.
-)
Tip-Toe Genius: Character is good at sneaking and blending into a crowd.
-)
Politician: Character can talk his/her way out of trouble and makes allies easily.
-)
Freelancer: Wings every challenge that comes their way, gaining a +1 to every event based dice-roll and combat roll.
-)
Freeloader: Can palm off a dangerous personal event dice roll to another character if they so wish. Must roll an even number. Also, if you can roll a 19-20 on a 20-sided dice on your first turn in a fight then you don’t have to take part in the fight if you don’t want to. Go…team?
-)
Paranoid: Gain +5 to dice-rolls made during hostile actions from your party members. Could be useless. Could be…life-saving. Not paranoid before? You sure as hell are now.
-)
Dr. Dolittle: You are very good with animals. Lethally so. All animals take an extra +2 Dmg from you and this may also come in handy during events. Eligible enemies will be marked as ‘Beasties’.
-)
Pragmatist: You can hold one more item than other characters and for every event-based stat rise you get an extra +1, boyo.
-)
Leave It To Frank: You have a mysterious Guardian Angel called Frank. If you roll for a FAIL or an EPIC FAIL in events, then roll a seven-sided dice. If it’s an even number, then Frank will bail you out and you’ll get the unique LEAVE IT TO FRANK outcome to an event. In fights, if everyone in the team is killed then roll a 20-sided dice. If it’s a 19-20, then Frank will sort it out.
-)
Ninja-Dog: Don’t ask me how, but you have yourself a Ninja Dog. I think they’re called Caninjas. Anyway, if you roll a 15 at any point in the game, the Caninja will bring you a random item. Just let me know when you roll a 15.
-)
I Am Atheist: Any event relating to God or his distant half-cousin Hod will not affect you, through sheer dint of disbelief.
-)
Dammit, Jim: You may not be many things, Jim, but you ARE a goddamn Doctor and can thus heal grievous injuries. Any character suffering from some malady like concussion, pneumonia, dismemberment, radiation sickness, gene poisoning, incineration, electrocution, Kieron, back-stabbing, regular stabbing, gunshot wounds, harpoon wounds, predation, fractures, time-dislodgement, Kieron, hanging, paper-cuts, or Kieron can be revived instantly with a roll of 10-20 from the practitioner! If Kieron is the character unconscious, then use a seven-sided dice for this.
-)
Spinach Eater: Gain +5 to your max HP.
-)
Junkie’s BFF: With knowledge of pharmaceuticals, you can improve the power of chemicals and gain a bonus when using serums or First-Aid kits
-)
Jackie-Chan Skeleton: You have a physiology akin to the man himself. Gain +5HP and take 1 less HP damage during bad event outcomes.
-)
Everything is Tom’s Starlong’s Fault: Anytime you roll an EPIC FAIL on a personal event, present to me an argument on why the circumstances leading up to the roll are Tom’s fault. If convinced, I shall spare your character the fatal consequences of the roll. If Tom picks this skill, he must make an argument of why it is NOT his fault he ended up in the situation that he has. Does not work with group events.
-)
Gamer Thumbs:
Choose wisely. When you’ve a template with perks picked out, send 'em over by e-mail.