mctweed
Up And Coming
The first condition of progress is the removal of censorship.
Posts: 10
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Post by mctweed on Oct 5, 2010 21:04:16 GMT
I'm one of those poor, forlorn creatures known as freshers; here's something I wrote for my AH English folio earlier this year. Attachments:
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Post by Fire Bear on Oct 6, 2010 13:09:47 GMT
I would give this a B, mainly cause of it's structure. But I did like the fact that the deaf brother was the only one to actually have dialogue - strange way of going about it. <gives you thumbs up> And it was a rather sad ending... What did you get for it? P.S. I love the name! ;D
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Post by Someguy on Oct 6, 2010 13:25:48 GMT
There's potential for you as a writer, but a mass of editing needs to be done on this piece. ***
The lines of the story appear to be written with a lyrical quality in mind, which is lost in places by the word-choice and grammar. My advice there is to read it aloud and if it requires a whimsical tone of voice/linguistic acrobatics to properly read then it can do with editing.
That leaf really knows how to get around, doesn't it? Where'd the cliff come from? That 'remaining skeletal body' (I assume the other half of the torn leaf) was very confusing and not nearly strong enough as an image to justify it's use against that.
I like Armand and Ettiene, and the setting that's built up as Armand follows Ettiene out of the park. Curiosity is as good a way as any to get characters caught up in something that doesn't actively involve them when the story starts. But the writing is nowhre near as clear as it could be. There's a bit of a tangle as far as how information is presented to the reader; the exposition could do with a little tidying but is close to being how expo should be used (regarding the city, how its swollen with students and the Bohemian; good image).
'Short-life-long friend' is one of those things that sound clever but doesn't work very well because it sounds clumsy. A shame, but there it is. Potentially ruins the story if the reader catches onto it (but then the ending ruined it for me anyway).
The bottom of page 3, and other points of the story, go into Vocabulary Overdrive; you've gotta hack out some of those longer words; your reader will just get exhausted and think the writer is throwing these long words out just so he can show that he knows long words (often, it's the shorter words that do the job better; the skill is in using the right words, not the longest ones).
And a note on editing. This often means what you can take out without losing anything from the piece (often enough, taking superfluous words out gives to the piece. Less is more). At the top of page 4, Ettiene says something. I think you could lose 'he persisted' and modify the bit about Margaret (he lied about Margaret saying that, right?) and just go with 'He'd lied about Margaret but why not? The day was already his.'
And I don't like it when people 'nod their consent' or use stilted language 'or something of that ilk'. If Armand is in pain over a hangover, he should be rolling his head, groaning, something, instead of just readily doing whatever the hell it is Ettiene wants to do; obliged or not, people always show some kind of signal when they're in everyday pain (Hangovers, feeling sick, bored, etc. Doesn't necessarily apply to deeply seated depression, which tends to be hidden for the purpose of a story).
The frankness of the line in which Armand says hello after the bit about remote aspect of liberty is very good.
A note on the parliament building. You say 'unprogressive state of affairs contained there-in'. This sounds like the narrator intruding on the story with a personal opinion. Avoid these; the reader should be able to pick up on that themselves.
And I've never liked groups of people 'some who want to do this, some who want to do that'. It's becoming a cliche in grassroots story-writing and all it serves to do is make crowds and groups into cardboard cut-outs (they're not doing anything, we're just being told what they want to do as if they're one communal entity; let crowds breathe and do as they please; leave 'em alone; crowds should be static until needed; focus should be on the characters and how they interact with crowds, if at all; Do either Armand or Ettiene find tourists distasteful or do they relate to them, being foreigners themselves? Perhaps the presences of tourists could add to the feeling of locals being made foreigners in their own land by the amount of students, tourists, and immigrants you mentioned before).
Can't stand people who allow themselves this, that, or the other either; I see it replicated in far too many grassroot stories and almost never see it in any professional writing. I imagine there's a reason for that. There's bad exposition right below that too (when Ettiene 'allows' himself a cigarette') when we're told what the atmosphere is. Avoid that and show the romantic ambience being punctuated by an act of oppression, like the camera-man being accosted by police-officers who confiscate his equipment (then the camera-man actually has a purpose in the story).
The mob just starting doesn't have a lot of impact. I think the spontaneity of it has worked against you this time. Tension in a story works like pressure; you have to build it up before it carries any kind of force.
Not sure why Ettiene just joins the mob but his sense of tranqulity because of his deafness is interesting; he won't fee the same sense of fear or apprehension that others would, which is good. I don't like the way he just turns into a blood-thirsty rioter from one punch, though.
Alright, the ending. Is this story a metaphor for how people in general hate students/educated people? (There's a lot of persecution throughout history of intellectuals, so it's a valid theme). What is the purpose of the story? It'll need to be a little more than wrong place, wrong time.
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mctweed
Up And Coming
The first condition of progress is the removal of censorship.
Posts: 10
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Post by mctweed on Oct 6, 2010 14:31:49 GMT
Dayum; that's almost as much feedback as I got from my English teacher over a month. Going in sequential order: I don't have a scooby what grade I got for this. I got an A overall, so this and my reflective piece must've contributed somewhat, dunno how much though. The name's just from a song that I ripped off The Afghan Whigs, good song if you like your 90s Alt. Rock though Someguy, cheers This, believe it or not, is the 7th draft, so count yourself lucky that you don't have to be confronted with the incredibly rough and hazy first attempt. Yeah, the leaf ... clifftop was just one of those rockfaces you get kicking about landscaped park, I did have a certain place in Edinburgh in mind when I wrote this, but I think it's easier for this sorta thing if place names are omitted; demands a certain local knowledge otherwise. It's only real function was to introduce the scene, 'some city' bedecked with rioting in all it's usual tumultuous wonder and chaos. Since writing this I've read a Hemingway book or two, in my opinion a master of dialogue and simply presentation, so I think if I wrote this now it'd be a lot more direct; the tangled, ambiguous language is something that nearly got me thrown out of a 4-storey window last year I blame it on F Scott Fitzgerald. Yes, short-life-long-friend was there to accentuate the youth of the pair - for me 'life-long' alone is far too clichéd and suggests a great age. But I understand that I'm only attempting to justify one such example. I've probably performed this weird contortion of language a dozen times over without noticing. Perhaps it's my reaction, but in a hangover I tend to try to avoid movement as much as possible as the brain rattles somewhat if I don't. On the editing note, I must admit that I've not read this myself ... I should probably think about doing that sometime soon before I take up the keyboard and stitch together another monstrous creation. When I manage to drag my head out've of Coetzee or an Italian textbook over the next few weeks I'll get to task and try and tailor something around your criticisms and see if a much simpler, thought-through story works better (it sounds like it should). The whole thing was meant to be wrapped around the idea of freedom and communication, hell, the both. But that got rather crumpled and frayed as I submitted draft after draft, so I'm not sure if it's still visible. Certainly that was the idea in having Etienne as deaf and Armand as a complacent carer, somewhat burdened and denied his own freedom (hence drink) who in turn infringes upon what Etienne wants to do ... if that makes sense, you're a far smarter person than me. Cheers for the replies, guys Ps. I'll stick up the other half of my folio on another thread. It's a lot more basic, just a stuck-up reflection on some mild drug abuse and depression that took place a few years back.
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Post by Fire Bear on Oct 6, 2010 15:04:07 GMT
...
Sheesh! And here I was holding back from pointing out everything... Mainly cause I couldn't be bothered... At least Stewart did it for me! ;D
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Post by Someguy on Oct 7, 2010 13:02:37 GMT
You've even got the right attitude; editing is just as important as writing and editing is done in the knowledge that writing can always be better. Have some meaningless forum karma!
What's your name?
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mctweed
Up And Coming
The first condition of progress is the removal of censorship.
Posts: 10
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Post by mctweed on Oct 7, 2010 14:40:07 GMT
Cheers, I've got the afternoon off to work away at stuff, but I've got a few other bits and pieces that aren't even complete nevermind nearing the editing stage, although with half-finished stuff I've started picking through what I've already written before I carry on. I guess it'll save a bit of effort/time at a later date. Or so I hope.
Greg - rather tall person, usually, for my sins, wearing Harris Tweed in some manner or another. Yourself?
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Post by Someguy on Oct 7, 2010 19:31:31 GMT
Stewart. I'm the guy who, according to certain sources, looks like a hobo. Sin-wise, I probably got off lightly.
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mctweed
Up And Coming
The first condition of progress is the removal of censorship.
Posts: 10
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Post by mctweed on Oct 7, 2010 20:24:06 GMT
You introduced yourself as a heroin-addict and occasionally annoy the tits off El Presidente? I think you may be right there.
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Post by Fire Bear on Oct 7, 2010 20:35:46 GMT
Stewart... Can you even read? His name is on the first page of that document! Jeez!
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Post by Someguy on Oct 9, 2010 21:39:06 GMT
Oh, yeah. My mind has not been what it was since all that heroin/cocaine/marijuana/jammy-dodger abuse.
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teabag
Corporal Punishment
me in action :D
Posts: 90
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Post by teabag on Oct 11, 2010 19:45:49 GMT
No one can abuse jammy-dodgers!
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Post by Fire Bear on Oct 11, 2010 21:32:46 GMT
Yeah, it's those Hob Nobs you need to look out for...
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Post by Someguy on Oct 20, 2010 11:20:43 GMT
You weren't there man. Oh God, I can still feel them in my sphincter.
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Post by McBain on Oct 20, 2010 14:51:48 GMT
So anyway, welcome to the forum.
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