mctweed
Up And Coming
The first condition of progress is the removal of censorship.
Posts: 10
|
Post by mctweed on Oct 19, 2010 21:25:36 GMT
This is one of those irritating SQA qualifying Nab things that have to meet certain criteria - in this case having a twist. It's from when I was 15, and that's my only excuse. Doubt this'll ever be redrafted, but criticism's both welcome and expected of this relic. Attachments:
|
|
|
Post by Someguy on Oct 20, 2010 11:50:14 GMT
Right, so-
'There were no signs or barriers[1] just the invisible boundary between the cement network and the sea of snow-smothered grass, over-shadowed by a snow-capped mountain range and resting upon the frozen mass of the leviathan lake which was also disguised by a dusting of snow[2].'
1) You need either punctuation, like a full-stop or comma, or a restructuring to get this sentence working. In an opening 'set-the-scene' expo, you need short weighty sentences to give the reader a sense of presence with the images they are being presented.
2) There are two many 'snow' images here, and each image is too large and wordy to fit into a single sentence. As with the above point, take your time over each aspect (but not too much time) of the setting. You might also want to not spend too much time on landscape; what about the air and sky?
'Mr. Wright, sitting in one such caravan and habitually drunk at half eleven in the morning was wondering upon[3] the complications of the worlds media where an area as vast as this could be unheard of by the general vegetating public, locked into the rigors of their class, their culture and their damned creed[4]. Naturally as the only English-speaking tour-guide in the anonymous Republic of Buryatia the area was of some concern to him. No matter how pitiful, or from his perspective, exclusive, a position in the grand scheme of things this was, it certainly superseded his previous job back home as a Yorkshire coalminer.[5]'
3) This can be turned into 'pondering' or just lose 'upon'.
4) A little eloquent for a drunk man and it sounds like the author is preaching to the reader as a result (if at any point a character says/thinks something that the reader feels is out of character then the narrative voice defaults to the author's).
5) I'm not too sure about any of that. A sentence that starts with 'Naturally' never ends well as far as character expo is concerned. There must be a better place to introduce this information.
And now for the rest:
The language becomes confusing later on, and the direction/triggers of the story are lost in them. I think it's a lack of punctuation that does this though a more measured and plain approach to sentences would also work. The twist at the end isn't really a twist but more of a decision to shoot someone before blaming alcohol and on the basis of the ending, this'll require more length for story development (which is, at the moment, entirely expo and flashback about what's gone before and isn't really linked to the ending anyway) and a better ending.
|
|
|
Post by Fire Bear on Oct 20, 2010 21:09:16 GMT
Your sentences are way too long. And that opening sentence looks like it should be in that link in "A Lesson" on the General Board. All the reader really needs to know is that it's in the middle of nowhere in Serbia. And, seeing as you only mention Buryatia later in the piece, you only need to mention that. The bit with the darts... Firstly, he killed the cat!! Secondly, the second dart, the way you've worded it makes it sound like he went there. It's only when you read the next part when it makes sense. And, unlike Stewart, I've taken what you said into account about the length of the piece. So, looking at it like that, it looks as if you intended to continue with the story. This may not be what you were actually doing, but it stops the ending, in my eyes being so bad. However, your sentences are a little long to make it work. Also, I'm not entirely sure if I understood what actually happened... Sorry.
|
|
mctweed
Up And Coming
The first condition of progress is the removal of censorship.
Posts: 10
|
Post by mctweed on Oct 20, 2010 22:18:03 GMT
Aw baws. I'm not posting anymore old stuff; more holes in it than a bloody perforated thing. From now on, new shite that's a bit more simple and written by me, not some 15 year-old - sorry for wasting your time wi this, I'll stop posting indiscriminate crap that even I've not read.
Ps. the cat had to die.
|
|
Starlong
The Master
I have a theory. Let's conspire about it...
Posts: 938
|
Post by Starlong on Oct 20, 2010 22:41:16 GMT
Don't be too discouraged from posting old crap stuff by the witterings of these two. I'll admit that I'm not very opinionated with my critique, but I found this piece interesting all the same. I got a real feeling of bitterness from your main charactor which made me smile, and although the shooting the guy's foot may not be a twist as the mood was building up to some kind of violence (though I was thinking more verbal, not gunpowder), it certainly took me by surprise. I agree about the length of it though, more stuff has to happen in the present. Most of it is setting the scene and explaining the charactor so when you do catch up to the here and now it's literally over in a bang.
Still, keep posting the old stuff, that way when you put new stuff on we can tell you how you've changed/what you're doing the same etc etc.
The cat was pretty morbid, 'cause thinking about it, unless it was clean through the brain, chances are it's not gonna die very fast - in fact it's morbid either way. Dammit man, WHY? IT WASN'T HIS TIME!!!
|
|
|
Post by Fire Bear on Oct 20, 2010 23:11:02 GMT
I'm sorry... I thought you wanted it critiqued better than I did with your last stuff... Confuddled! What you could do is rework the old stuff and post them on here/bring them to meetings. They'll be better and more people will be able to give you opinions! (You only have three people's views just now!)
|
|
mctweed
Up And Coming
The first condition of progress is the removal of censorship.
Posts: 10
|
Post by mctweed on Oct 21, 2010 17:07:06 GMT
Sorry about that outburst, I was re-writing an English essay on the sexual desperation of a cockroach - that's the closest I've been to stressed in sometime. It's just that when I actually re-read this, having posted it, it's incredibly rough, especially when this was the final draft I submitted - so to redrafting. Sorry, I don't know who's who so I'll just use usernames. I'm puttin' Stewart's comments into place sequentially, but yeah, as you all picked up on, it's way too verbose and the syntax needs sorting. Fire Bear, it's quite alright, no need to apologise - I appreciate the criticism, all it'll do is help make this into something better Cheers, Starlong, but it was the cat's time. You can't fight it I'll redraft and repost this in a wee bit.
|
|