Starlong
The Master
I have a theory. Let's conspire about it...
Posts: 938
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Post by Starlong on Oct 11, 2011 12:28:51 GMT
This is for Stewart, but Dave might also enjoy it, or anyone who has played a certain game... Attachments:
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Post by Someguy on Oct 11, 2011 14:00:32 GMT
Let's see what you've got, punk. I'll print it off and maybe take it into writers with me.
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Post by Fire Bear on Oct 12, 2011 21:24:53 GMT
Please, please, for the love of God, use one way of emphasising something and none of this italicising some words and making other words bold. Someone reading this in a bit of a bad mood will get into a worse mood.... However: you were using "JUSTICE" a lot and then, at one point, put this is: justice! I think it would be better using the "JUSTICE" again... Just so it's the same every time you see that word. The crossing out of words always bugs me. It's like you can't decide whether to keep the dialogue within the game rather than breaking the fourth wall which you're doing elsewhere anyway without crossing out those parts. Either don't bother putting that in or don't cross it out. Or, if you want them to still "be in the game" or whatever have them say something like: "but it seems that the game designers- I mean fate..." "the woman moved in for the hurt" - doesn't make sense. Near the end you start putting in gaps. Usually these gaps between the paragraphs would indicate time lapses (or a description of the past like when you explain the squad car thing) when you aren't actually skipping over any time. Basically, they shouldn't be there. Oh, and by this I mean when you start putting in gaps after the "just another victim" whatever. Does that make sense? I would totally draw arrows or whatever on the document but it's read-only. (And Stewart lied.) Also, the last line - is that really needed? It doesn't add to the story. I think we could guess at the "lots and lots[/i] of corpses" bit without needing that added in. And stop bloody doing that with the italicising and bolding of the same word! *** Another thing: a lot of [glow=red,2,300]you[/glow] seems to be in the character of Surf which is kind of confusing/weird/[insert more appropriate word here] seeing as you're also there... Or is that not meant to be you? ... However, it was quite fun - I liked it.
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